touch my ennui*

*tales of commuting through life and new york city

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From the Post-Surgery Boredom Annals

A lot happens when you can’t move off the couch such as making “a study” of entirely useless things. Today’s topic: How to Write Headlines on Social Media that Will Force Anyone to Click/Forward/Share:

1. Find a photo of a child. Any child. Preferably one holding a sign. Make it seem like God Photoshopped the sign. And God is an ornery kidnapper who is looking for one billion clicks. Or else. CLICK NOW. ONE BILLION. IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT.

2. The poorly constructed phrase “bizarre weird trick” is catnip to humans. Especially when combined with other words like “belly fat,” “eternal life,” “get laid,” “right now.”

3. Imply - better yet just come right out and say - that clicking on a link will result in magic: ”There’s a pair of pants out there. And when you put them on you will become Audrey Hepburn. Literally. (Click here)”

4. Create a ridiculous quiz and make it sound like you and some unsuspecting celebrity happened to have taken the same quiz and are now BFFs and will be talking about your quiz results over a latte: “Which Spirit Animal Are You? You’ll Never Believe Which One Taylor Swift Is. (After the jump)”

5. Talk about a completely average food or exercise like it is the next big thing: “Orange juice and a Bicep Curl: Why You’ll Never Age Again.

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And now that part of the day when one almost accidentally drops the laptop out the window. If you heard a scream, that was me. 

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Crowded staircase exiting the train and close enough to get a really good look at the tattoo of a penis behind the ear of the guy right next to me. In case you are wondering if I am mistaking a penis for a trumpet or a microphone or something else more “logical” that might be tattooed behind someone’s ear, I assure you this was the real deal. Like he was saving it for later. Or it was talking to him. 

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I just fell asleep in a position formerly known as sitting up-and-engaged in conversation.

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First time trying to meditate on the bus. And first time hearing the recorded “reminder” that assaulting a bus driver is a felony. Namaste!

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Thanks to the newish accordion design of NYC buses and the fact that my bus driver clearly isn’t a fan of slowing down whilst approaching a stop, I am discovering the dubious thrill of electric bull ride first thing in the morning.